Are you triggered by your kids?
I will be the first to admit that the word TRIGGERED is a bit of a buzz word at the moment. Maybe it is overused, or maybe people are just getting a bit more familiar with what it means. Whatever the case, it shows up pretty frequently when we are talking about parenting, mental health and trauma. I prefer to use the word ACTIVATED as I think it more accurately describes what is actually happening.
So the question ‘Am I triggered by my kids?’ has both a short and a long answer.
The short answer is NO, your little humans are not activating or triggering you, they are just being kids and living their best life!
The long answer is much more validating and helpful, I promise!
When we become parents, for better or for worse, our own experiences of being parented create our internal working model for what is acceptable or unacceptable, good or bad, safe or unsafe. Even though at a conscious and cognitive level, we might think or feel differently, at a sub-conscious or somatic level, we rely on what was laid down for us during our own childhood.
This means that our trauma response system or our inner child or a part of us that is acting protectively, can be activated or triggered by certain behaviors or expression of emotion from our children.
This activation can leave us feeling like another ‘part’ of us, (not our adult self in the now), is reacting to those behaviours or expressions. We might find ourselves reacting in a way that seems;
childish when one of our inner children is in charge
defensive when a protector part of us is activated
frazzled or confused when our trauma response system is triggered.
It isn’t your child that is triggering you, it is your own system, being activated by behaviour or emotions that leave parts of you feeling unsafe or that something is unfair, unjust or not right.
This often happens when you are trying to support your child’s behaviour in a way that is in opposition to how you were supported (or not supported) as a child, or they are expressing emotions that were not okay for you to express or caused you to feel unsafe when expressed in your family of origin.
What can help?
The first step is recognizing and exploring these activations or triggers.
Recognise and acknowledge when your system has been activated. - Can you place which part of you has been activated?
If you replay the scenario or interaction in your mind, can you identify what behaviour or emotion lead to your activation? Have a go at tracing that back to your own childhood experiences or relational patterns. How did your parents/carers react or respond to similar behaviours? How was that particular emotion managed or expressed in your family of origin?
Have a gentle and loving conversation with that part of yourself. Tell them what they need to hear. “You are safe, I have got this”. “I’m sorry that happened to you, I accept and love you”. It might seem silly but if parts of us, created in our past, are strong enough to make us react in a way that feels like it just happens, then it makes sense that those parts can also be responsive to our communication and compassion.
Get some support. It really is possible to build an understanding and cooperative relationship with the parts of ourselves that are activated by our parenting experience. Allow me to show you how by joining us for The Roots of Parenting Group Coaching Program.
The Roots of Parenting is a 12 Week Group Coaching Program for parents with kids of any age.
Designed to stop parenting guilt in it’s tracks by supporting you to stop yelling at your kids and arguing with your partner or co-parent.
We start on January 28th 2022.
Get in quick as earlybird pricing ends on 19th December 2021.